It's only the beginning.

So here it is: my first blog entry as an anonymous girl in cyberspace. I created this blog as a way to help me sort thoughts on who I becoming. In a not-so-vague way it's basically a blog on my journey to "becoming," err being a lesbian. An "out," honest and secure one, that is. I have another blog somewhere else in cyberspace that deals with my everyday situations but I figured I should reserve a space specifically for the inifinite thoughts that come with my recent realization that I may (am?) be a lesbian. And this is not to keep things from friends or family (I've discussed this with everyone who is close to me and everyone basically knows I like girls now). It's a place for me to just let everything out. All my friends are straight, for the most part (minus a few gay male friends and a bisexual female friend) and I feel like when I try to talk to them about this new part of myself they don't really understand how completely overwhelming it is for me. More than anything the thing I am most afraid of is myself. I'm afraid of what this means for me and how I identify now. I'm confused as to where I fit into the queer community, should I fully embrace it all, and if I will be rejected within it. I'm not sure what this means for my future in so many ways.

I guess I should give at least, basic details about myself. Well, I'm an almost 20 year-old full time college student attending a Liberal Arts college in Manhattan. I'm originally from the east coast, was raised by a single mother, and am am only child. While I can remember, very early on, acknowledging that girls were absolutely beautiful in every sense, beyond the way they looked and moved and as far as the way they thought and communicated, I never associated these thoughts or feelings as anything more than simple observation. I have always been an observer. Growing up I was a tomboy and practically rejecting femininity because to me, everything "cool" was associated with being a boy. On TV they portrayed girls as weak and emotional, unable to be anything and everything and achieve success. And well, I wanted all of that. In many ways, it was deeper than that. I was uncomfortable with watched, looked at or noticed. I wanted people to like my for how smart I was, for my achievements and not my looks. Family friends and strangers would always comment on how "beautiful" I was and many times I took it as an insult. How dare them not see beyond my face, my exterior. There was so much more to me! Besides, there was nothing beautiful about a girl in baggy jeans and a sweatshirt, what the hell were they seeing? As I started to develope my insecurities only became worse. I never underestood why men three times my age gawked and made cat calls, made me feel ashamed of my body.

My friends and I all shared the same feelings of shamefulness, however, some of my friends took that shamefulness and masked it as confidence and finesse. They become hypersexualized and hyper-girly, rolling their uniform skirts just below their buttocks, overly applying makeup in the Girls' Bathroom, flirting with boys at school and promising them sexual favors they had only read about in Cosmo. I wasn't a part of any of it. I watched my friends and took on a maternal role. I was the person everyone came to when they didn't know whether or not they should go on the "next base." I was there to tell them to respect themselves and not be stupid. I was the person everyone came to when they wanted to know if they were pretty enough for some boy down the street. I was the person everyone came to when they wanted to cry about a breakup. I was the person everyone depended on to say "I told you so" when they thought they were pregnant. I was also the person everyone questioned. "Are you a lesbian?" They'd ask during one of our "girl talks." By high school I was the only virgin of the bunch and while everyone else would be explaining, in graphic detail, their sexcapades, I would be sitting to the side. Silently cringing and almost embarassed. ( Read more... )